I’m done saying sorry to the world. No more apologizing for my actions; fuck caring about what other people think. I don’t owe anyone an explanation or give a fuck if they would even understand it. I’m done allowing my anxiety to take over my life. I’m tired of it pulling me away from people and it leaving me with having to explain myself. I want my life back and I’m taking it back.
If I do it they’ll say things like “he was such an amazing person” or “he touched all of our hearts he will Not be forgotten.” For many it will be out of the blue, nobody expected it from me. But to those I told I had suicidal thoughts it will be the thought of like “he really did it.” They overlooked me thinking it was just a phase or thinking it wasn’t too serious. How sad is it when the thought of ending it all as a bigger solution is on a mind of an individual because he thinks that’s his best option after driving himself crazy. It’s ever sadder the people who pushed me away after I told them I was feeling this way because i was only looking for a hand. Nobody wants to deal with me, I’m crazy. They would only care if I really did kill myself. I’m just a problem that they’ll push away “oh he’s okay.” Little do they know that pain digs deep in my heart knowing I’m going through my fucked up head alone. The pain can make an individual stronger since they experience what it feels to be alone. Who else has hit rock bottom then had no option but to climb the fuck out of there. Nobody but myself is going to safe my life and it took me over one year and half to realize that.
When you see the darkest things in yourself you reciprocate and start looking for the life you once had inside. It feels like you’re lost looking for meaning. You look for it through anything that will help you feel the happiness of the world. It’s in yourself and those around you. The thing is you have to find it. Don’t ever give up on yourself because there is life inside of you that hasn’t been glorified. Keep those weary feet moving and you’ll outrun those inner demons and see white-winged angels flying with you. You’ve already felt the pain of going through this experience. This makes you stronger because nothing can compare to how low you were. People who have gone through any mental health issue are one of the strongest people on earth. The unsung warriors who have been through war that went inside their heads. Being so low in life only brings the opportunity to get higher later on. There is an opportunity to fall in love with life again; it’s in front of us and nothing can stop us from getting it. Not even ourselves.
It feels like when you’re swimming and you try to touch the bottom but it’s deeper than you think. You feel like somebody suddenly stabbed you in the chest and feel the pit of your heart beating over and over again through the knife. You can’t see straight it’s the TUNNEL VISION affecting you making life look like a blur. Your head feels like a raceway with all the cars going too fast and being too loud you can’t hear yourself. It feels like how you used to hold your head under water with your friend the longest gasping for air. It feels like you’ve been awake for 40 hours straight because having constant battles in your head drains energy. It feels like looking for a light switch in a dark room. Like driving on ice and the car spinning out.
When i found you it was only for the thrill. People warned me about you telling me all the things you might do to me. I didn’t listen and i kept making your breath mine. Over time we started to be with each other more often and that was accidental. I knew you would never leave me. You would never hurt me. Every time i’ve been alone and depressed you brought me up. What i really love about you is how you can calm me down from my anxiety attacks. You’re the only one that knows how to make me breathe when i can’t. A lot of people would hate the fact knowing about us. They don’t understand what you do to me. Our spark lights both of us up.
Thank you Mary.
Woke up to see i have to be in class in thirty minutes.
I’m late everyday i don’t know my limits.
If i have breakfast it’s considered a miracle so i had 4 bowls for breakfast but only one was cereal.
Got to class early but my mind was late. it was jumping through clouds testing it’s fate
I feel so alive for it being dead week, i think i want to live this day
So I quit my job and light the forest on fire. Don’t cut my wings i’m trying to fly higher
I open my mouth and try to talk but nobody understands. They look at me confused wondering what I’m trying to say. we look at each other on different pages. I keep trying to talk but they don’t follow. even i understand them as i hear them calling me weird. Words are colliding in and throughout my mouth but they don’t form a message somehow. i’m speaking the language but i’m the barrier.
“Investing time on writing lies, slightly truth without a clue
I met my higher self, pissing off the roofs of drunken goofs
He said “keep the mic smelly like a rotten tooth”
And all your fears forgotten when the Cap is in the booth
I’m an angel in an agony of flame
Feathers growing at the mention of my name, reinvention of my shame
I’m a slave to the darkness of my innermost cave
And all these words I hold tighter than a glowstick at a rave
Dance around the camp fire, buttnaked, blowing trees
Could give a single fuck if somebody sees, I’m free
Red “V” bleed out a scarlet letter, kill a king
And I’ll sitting ready for whatever weather the seasons sing
Picking up expensive habits, chasing after little rabbits
Hope they lead me to a place of magic
Sad at all the times I never thought I had it
Losing all these memories, and y’all doubt it matters…
I’m giving my life away. I’ve come into terms with the world around me and realized people need this life more than me. The idea of chasing money for my own gain doesn’t appeal to me. The world is much bigger than one person working for themselves. It takes one individual to spark change by just helping people. Your bank account and possessions will be forgotten but the influence you’ve made with the world and those around you lives eternally.
Those people who go to higher education are described to be investing in their future. Some go to school to design houses others to start a business. No one really fucking knows whats going on but the idea is to get something out of college. Most people are driven by the career that will stack their bank account. The greed of chasing materialistic objects doesn’t bring justice to the value of an education. Is buying the big house with expensive cars worth the knowledge you payed for? Do you recognize the influence you could bring to the world with your genius? Investing time in building up someone other than yourself can bring change to the world. I’m going to give my life away. I make my life yours and together we will understand the sacrifice to move mankind forward.